“My
child is being bullied. What are you going to do about it?"
It’s not always asked in those exact
words, but the meaning is intended and clear.
The issue of bullying has become arguably
the biggest topic within schools next to Columbine and Common Core. Programs
designed to “stomp out bullying” and make school “bully-free” have become numerous.
I get several emails a year from companies touting their curriculum as the one
that will do the trick. School districts across the country scramble to find the
right combination of curriculum, emphasis, and training to eradicate bullying
from their campuses.
However, the push to eliminate a
problem that has plagued mankind since man started to coexist seems illogical
at its root. People have been “bullying” people for millennia. Everybody from
siblings to neighborhood thugs to organized crime bosses to kings bent on
conquest, the list of those wishing to abuse others and/or take advantage of
others for some kind of personal gain is endless.
Take, for example, a parent—the mild
mannered, soccer mom type—who threatens a teacher and/or administrator when she
finds out her child is being suspended because he/she got into a fight. This
parent says she will “call her lawyer” if the school doesn’t change their mind.
What that parent is really saying is, “You had better do something different to
my child (i.e., no suspension), or I’m going to manipulate you into doing my
bidding.” Isn’t that a form of bullying? Yes. Does she have a lawyer on
retainer? Probably not. But within this litigious society we find ourselves, it’s
the threat that carries the weight. A classic form of bullying, if you check
the definition.
Bullying,
according to Merriam Webster, means “to treat abusively” or “to affect by means
of force or coercion.” You can see in my example above that Mrs. Soccer Mom
would be trying to coerce that teacher or administrator into a different decision.
It has nothing to do with, “Should the child be punished?” If the child was involved
in a bona fide fight, then the answer is obvious. A loving, level-headed parent
should be angry with the student, right? The teacher or administrator didn’t get
into the fight. They didn’t force little Johnny to throw several blows. And if
level-headedness prevailed, a compromise might be on the table if it is
warranted. But when threats are made by the soccer mom, then one has to wonder little
how Johnny got into the fight. It’s the “Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”
syndrome. Amazing how those who cry foul and demand a “bully-free” zone are
actually pretty good at bullying. I see it all the time.
What about the politician who tells a
fellow congresswoman that if she votes for his bill, then he’ll vote for hers,
implying that if she doesn’t, there will be negative consequences for her
legislation? Isn’t that bullying? Yes. Does it happen all the time? Most
likely, and let’s not even talk about lobbyists at this time, okay?
Or what about the pervasiveness of
treating others abusively across every facet of the entertainment industry? Comedians,
rappers, late night talk show hosts, and a host of others are all guilty of
using abusive language about others, belittling and dehumanizing others, making
fun of others, using others as the butt of a joke, while doing so for personal
profit. And yes, I know, it’s a free country with First Amendment rights.
Rappers can call women all sorts of derogatory names and sing about how they
use and abuse them for the property they really are. Comedians can make fun of
people with disabilities, people who they think aren’t pretty or handsome, and people
from other cultures, races, or countries, using these folks as punchlines. Movie/TV
producers and actors/actresses can make fun of political parties, religions, and
what many would consider wholesome living (think Andy Griffith here), and their
profits may even suffer as a result, but they have the right to do so.
What’s puzzling to me, though, is we
mysteriously support that kind of bullying. We buy tickets to the live shows
and movies. We purchase the cable service to watch the TV shows, and laugh at
the crude jokes. We purchase the songs, listen to the vile lyrics, even sing
the songs out loud, and think nothing of it.
To add to this double standard, we
actually encourage all of this by participating in it more and more each year.
You never hear of parents saying, “We are
going to stomp out bullying by no longer supporting these people. I’m canceling
my cable. We’re deleting the rap music. We’re boycotting movies.” For the
vast, vast majority, the very people who complain that their child “is being
bullied” think nothing of allowing their child to watch the shows and the movies,
download the aforementioned songs, or—are you ready for this?—possess a cell
phone. Yes, with that device, that same student can not only access the foul
and abusive songs that denigrate women, but they can listen to them 24/7, with an
earbud hanging from their head all hours of the day. That same student can also
view and share the Facebook pictures making fun of people who shop at Wal-Mart.
He can share hurtful videos and posts via
apps his parents don’t even know exist. These videos and posts make fun of and
disparage other students at his school. Often, those same posts even threaten
the targeted students with promised attacks upon return to school. He’s part of
the problem, but don’t tell that to his mom and dad, or they’ll get a lawyer.
So, before we accuse others of
bullying, maybe we should look in the mirror. And maybe we should be more
realistic about our abilities to “stomp out bullying.” I wish we could, but
human nature has set a precedent over the last several thousand years. Bullying
has permeated every country, every kingdom, and every society. There isn’t one
group of humans that has existed in human history who lived “bully-free.” Those
are just the facts.
I often tell students that they need
to ignore those who make fun of them because people who make fun of others are
doing it for one of three reasons: 1) They want to make people laugh and cover
up their lack of self-esteem in the process; 2) They need to belittle others to
make themselves look more important and improve their self-worth in the eyes of
others; or 3) They have a serious self-esteem issue and become mean-spirited by
attacking others. In any of these cases, the problem doesn’t lie with you, the
target. The bully is the one with the problem.
Ignore them. It’s hard to do, I know.
But I believe teaching students how to handle it realistically is a better
method than promising to do something we all know will never happen, like
stomping out bullying. Even making it illegal and punishing it severely won’t work.
If it won’t work for murder, probably won’t work with bullying, either.
Besides, we all know that the politicians responsible creating that law would
find a way to exempt themselves. I mean, how could they legislate our countries
and stay in power if they aren’t exempt? (Do you see my tongue in my cheek
here?)
Now, should we deal with those who do
bully others? Yes. And most school districts have policies in place now which deal
with such issues. But not all cases of supposed bullying are actually bullying.
They often are cases of both parties exhibiting bullying behavior until one
party shouts “I’m the victim,” or one party says, “Enough is enough,” and turns
the words into some kind of physical retaliation. In either case, it’s not true
bullying. Not when both parties are involved.
Only if one party is treating the
other abusively or trying to coerce the other into doing something they would
not do otherwise do we have a case of bullying. Sadly, most children retaliate
against others who say hurtful things by doing the same. Often using social
media to do it. All that does is escalate the matter and involve more
individuals, making it harder to ignore.
Be careful when you chant the mantra
of “Stomp Out Bullying.” That highway travels north and south. Usually the
latter. And usually in a hurry.
Teaching your children to not bully
and to treat others with respect (Does “turn the other cheek” and “love thy
neighbor” sound familiar?) is the best way to eradicate bullying from our
families.
And even that is a tough job to
complete.
*Generic photos courtesy of
freedigitalphotos.net
_____________________________________
Short Bio
C. KEVIN THOMPSON is an
ordained minister with a B.A. In Bible (Houghton College, Houghton, NY), an
M.A. in Christian Studies (Wesley Biblical Seminary, Jackson, MS), and an M.Ed.
in Educational Leadership (National-Louis University, Wheeling, IL). He presently
works as an assistant principal in a middle school. He also has several years
experience as an administrator at the high school level.
A former Language Arts teacher,
Kevin decided to put his money where his mouth was and write, fiction mostly.
Now, years later, he is a member of the Christian Authors Network (CAN), American
Christian Fictions Writers (ACFW), and Word Weavers International. He is the
Chapter President of Word Weavers-Lake County (FL), and his published works
include two award-winning novels, The
Serpent’s Grasp (Winner of the 2013 Blue Ridge Mountain Christian Writers
Conference Selah Award for First Fiction) and 30 Days Hath Revenge - A Blake Meyer Thriller: Book 1, as well as articles in The Wesleyan Advocate, The Preacher, Vista, The Des Moines
Register and The Ocala Star-Banner.
Kevin is a huge fan of the TV
series 24 , The Blacklist, Blue Bloods,
and Criminal Minds, loves anything to
do with Star Trek, and is a Sherlock
Holmes fanatic, too.
Facebook: C. Kevin Thompson – Author Page
Twitter: @CKevinThompson
Goodreads: C. Kevin Thompson
